porch, then altar

cathedral_cross

It was the dark night of the soul. In search of light, I set out; first for the porch, then for the altar.

Increase of mind didn’t bring strength of heart. This was the first lesson. I read more, but still longed.

Increase in love lifted me, but at times my love was misdirected. Love for things and ideas made love seem empty. I loved more, but still longed.

Increase in pleasure was only a temporary relief. Guilt accompanied my excesses, leaving me not pleasure, but pain. I enjoyed more, but still longed.

Increase in prayer soothed my guilt and gave me hope. It was natural to pray for relief from my longing. It seemed the perfect answer, but I was disappointed. I prayed more, but still longed.

I wanted life without longing, but as I imagined it, life lost meaning. Would I want to live in a vacuum where I didn’t have to know want?

I accepted the truth: my destiny was wrapped up in desire. Desire for freedom, vulnerability, and safety–all of which are known in my Father’s care.

My longing remained–
thanks be to God.

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